This is a vent, a self-negative, serious but true and I ask myself because of what I say here could or should I have been different?
Back in the days our family(ies) were full of people even if many of us were a long way out from the base we did stay in touch. I spent a lot of time overseas as did two of my cousins while we were in the military. I am blamed for not spending a lot of time with my two sons, again I was so long distant that weekend visits were not possible. I was divorced in 1978 and never remarried, others that were divorced did remarry. Most of my uncle’s, all of my grandparents, my parents, one half-sister are all gone.
One son, we have no communications, the youngest one lives close by and I do talk to him occasionally and see him some time. Their mother is in bad shape, I would say worse than I am. I have a lot of respect for her and I do pray that she will overcome her problems and get well. I told the youngest that he needs to spend time with her as much as possible. Back in 1995 we almost lost him due to an auto accident and with many prayers, he came through with some memory loss but overall he is well.
I sometimes feel like I am blacklisted for some reason, I do not know if I am or not, maybe in some ways, I am. I have a phone(s), I have email, I have FB, and I have text. I am always at home, I ask no one for anything, and I do not wish to be asked for anything. I will be ok, my arrangements are made and on file and I leave nothing to no one. So, I ask:
Could I have been different? I am sure I could have, in some cases I should have I am sure.
Should I have been different? Again, I am sure I should have.
I am the same person that grew up alone, today I live alone, and I feel alone. My dear Mother, my best friend did her best for me and 2005 I lost her to strokes and diabetes. She is so missed.
Ok, I have expressed my feelings and I am done. Sorry, but I needed to air this.